I just don't know.

I can't decide if I should be offended or supportive of Phat and Fabulous.

Right on sister.

I could go on for miles and miles and miles and miles, but this lady handles it in a lot cuter way than I could. Tubas instead of bombs. Paint brunshes instead of poverty. Yes indeed.

Ways in which my life resembles an episode of The Wonder Years.

- Vintage alarm clocks are a desirable commodity.

- I like to listen to the Beach Boys this time of year. (Oh yeah. "When we can say goodnight and staaaaaaaay together...")

- Some of my favorite characters have thick-rimmed glasses.

- Like Kevin, I am typically narrating my life.

- There are lots of '60s lamps.

- Life doesn't always go the way you are expecting, and occasionally really terrible shit happens. But at least we can enjoy the good parts.

- Every once in a while, life is nice and simple.

Oh, snap. We have a local Imus.

I wish I could link you to a website for our local ABC affiliates new "Phat and Phabulous" plus-size woman mini-makeovers every Friday at 5 PM. I am not stringently opposed to the concept of a makeover, as I love for women to look and feel their best. But I am definitely defying on "Phat and Phabulous." Who thought that up? I think their makeover needs an re branding makeover. Communications and marketing gurus, please hop on this. That would be "Phlipping Phantastic."

I set it on the vibrate setting.

I don't like waking up to loud noises. Alarms clocks, work on water towers, barking dogs, cars with loud noises on my busy street. None of that pleases me. Often I set my alarm clock to vibrate so that I'll hear that gentle sound and it'll ease me into my day. We set the phone to vibrate last night - and I thought I put it on my side of the bed. I wanted to wake up early to make scones today, so I wanted the phone next to me. When I woke up, I heard a vibrating sound, like a gentle little nudge. I felt around on the bedside table for the phone. Wasn't there. Felt around in the bed. Decided the alarm must not have gone off after all. Was I imagining that vibrating sound? Woke up a few minutes later but still nothing! The third time I heard the vibrating noise I sprung out of bed, dashed into the kitchen and got started on the scones. To hell with the vibrating phone! It was there on the bed somewhere. When I realized it was only 5:30 and the alarm was set for 6:30 I realized something else.

I was waking up the sound of my own NOSE vibrating and wheezing with allergy symptoms! I set my nose to the vibrate setting.

That's funny!

Seven funny things about my day today:

1. Little Asian man. Big cowboy hat.

2. Art teachers. I love 'em.

3. I had three conversations with co-workers while they were in the bathroom.

4. Etta. She's always a funny thing in my day.

5. I was working 12 hours ago and I just got done working. Actually, I started working 14 hours ago. I'm tired. I don't know how people do this shit for years at a time.

6. A problem under the hood of my car can be temporarily solved with duct tape.

7. Tomorrow I am seriously considering wearing sweat pants to work. At least for a little while.

Exploring life's contradictions.

Tuesday afternoon I went to our local food coop to buy a Neti Pot to solve the ills of my pollen woes. I decided to buy the Pot when in a desperate attempt to clear my nasal cavaties I actually used a funnel from my KITCHEN to dump saline solution in my nostrils. Well anyway, this post isn't about the Neti Pot. You'll find that on other blogs so no need for me to go into it. But the video of me with the funnel would have been hilarious.

Anyway, I was unloading the groceries that I bought while picking up my homeopathic remedy I couldn't help but consider the contradictions in my life. For example, consider the following:

I am literally flushing the snot out with gentle salt water so that I can spray the ever-lovin'-shit out of some generic Flonase into my schnoz.

I bought my groceries at the food coop but had already been to Sam's Club to buy toilet paper for work.

And I bought tofu and granola. Healthy and yum. But for three of the past nine meals I've had a fried chicken product. You know I love fried chicken. Once the pollen subsides I'll have to go walk off the fried chicken then eat the tofu to maintain my girlish figure.

I'm highly educated and poorly paid. Less than a teacher to be exact, but I dig my job and I wouldn't change it.

I work 40 hours a week for a local, non-profit corporation. And since I don't make enough there to support my middle class lifestyle --- come on, people, I need DVR and a car and gas and clothes and smoothies --- I work another 11 hours at a multi-national retail corporation. Tee hee.

The irony is funny, just like the Neti Pot. While I may be an unbalanced walking contradiction in size 10 petite pants (more irony! huge hips!) at least I'm happy... And that's nothing to sneeze at.

Living in the South has caught up with me.

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

20% Upper Midwestern

15% Dixie

5% Midwestern

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?