I-O-Way

YOU GREW UP IN RURAL IOWA IF…… I get this survey from time to time, and for all you non-Iowans out there, I'm going to translate. Enjoy!


You know how to polka but never tried it sober.... True. Some of the finest drunk polka-ing I've done was at my brother-in-laws wedding. I only polkaed sober at my own wedding because I was busy and only had one drink all night. I'm the hostess with the mostess, what can I say?

You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means. This refers to the height of corn. If it's as tall as the farmer's knee by the Fourth of July you're basically good to go. If not, you might hope for hail and be glad you bought crop insurance
from my dad. One thing about this system, though, what about the really short (ortall) farmer?

You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the wedding and the reception. Many weddings are at weird times of day, like 1 or 2 pm. After the wedding the bride, groom and wedding party will disappear and keep you waiting (sometimes for hours) while they get plowed.


You know the difference between 'Green' and 'Red' farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better! Green = John Deere, Red = International. I wasn't even a farm kid but was in the green party because my great-grandpa designed engine parts for John Deere. We're talking serious brand loyalty here, people.


You buy Christmas presents at Farm & Fleet or Tractor Supply. This one is actually kind of dumb. Farm & Fleet is like Home Depot for an agricultural community. But since I grew up in the middle of nowhere you'd have to drive hours to get to one.

You spent more on beer and liquor than you did on food at your wedding. Right again. That's the cost of having a good time, and a caterer that is less expensive. When I first moved to the South and went to a few weddings, I was astonished with their luxury. I had a badass party with lots of booze, pretty flowers and really rad music, and it cost a pittance compared to other celebrations. God bless the middle of nowhere.


You have ever tried to get your city cousins to pee on the electric fence. I have heard about roadtripping idiots doing this. Duh.


You or someone you know was a 'Bean/Sugar Queen' at the county fair. I personally prefer the Beef Queen or Pork Queen crown. I find those far more ironic. This from one little beauty queen, I was little Miss Marcus 1987.

You know that 'combine' is a noun.
We're not talking cum-bIIIne, like mixing ingredients, we're talking COM-bine, like the farm implement.


You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter. You don't need to be from Iowa to get this one, you only need to have watched a Christmas story.


You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions. I don't think there are any other religions practiced in Marcus, Iowa. I know a lot of people who don't mind which "religion" their kids pick, as long as it's Christianity.


You know that 'creek' rhymes with 'pick'. I had always wished I lived in the country where I could wade in a creek/crick.


Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set. Of course they are! People who schedule weddings during the wrong weekends are renown for their idiocy.


A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girl friend shining for deer. Since I wasn't exactly getting laid in high school, this wasn't me, but I hung out with people who would have someone buy them beer, go out to a gravel road and fuck like bunnies. Romantic, right?

There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning... phew. Also, at my dad's office they have a candle called the Shit Candle. It gets lit whenever somebody comes in with shit on their boots. Seriously, knobbers, get it together. It ain't right to go somewhere smellin' like feces. It's not even like that at the nursing home.


You have driven your car on a lake. Walking on frozen ice is enough for me. I don't live on the edge enough to drive a car out there.


You can make sense of 'upnort'. More effective when said "Up nort dere, yaaaa." That translates to "Up North There."


At every wedding reception you have ever been to the hokey pokey and the chicken dance have been played. Gross but true, except for my own wedding and a few select others.


Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
Right again. My lil' town has a grocery store, one of only three or so in the county. But we have a Pizza Ranch with beer and at least four bars. Now that's country livin'.


The local gas station sells live bait. Not in my town, but you don't have to go upnort there too far.


At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant. Slaughter parties are a big deal for people. My husband speaks fondly of this tradition. He and his parents were talking just the other day about what a shame it is that one of the cousins is pregnant and won't be able to fully participate in the drinking portion of the ritual this winter. Darn. Or to speak Iowa, deeern.


Pop is the only name for soda. I should start calling it pop again. It's an easy and quick way to identify a Midwesterner.