This is it.

Today I'm packing up my desk and walking away from another learning experience. I have reached the end with my organization, and it's bittersweet. I had really hoped it would be a perfect fit. I thought I had the right things to contribute at the right time. I wanted this to be the job I would have until it was time to leave Tallahassee. I wanted a grown-up experience where I could have some longevity. I wanted it to work. I feel like I tried my best; I did what I could. But it just wasn't right, it simply wasn't meant to be. There's lots more to it than that, it's a complex issue. Lots of it is over my head. But I do know what it was - a great learning experience, an incredible opportunity, one many people my age and others at different stages in their career may never have. I am lucky, and hope I will continue to be lucky. My life is rich: I have a career I enjoy and that makes up one important part. I have a dear, loving husband who is my partner in crime and will be for life. I have a pet, so daily I experience the bonding between a human and another living, breathing creature. I have a great family - one who supports my decisions and does their best to understand my situations. And last, but certainly not least, I have great friends and mentors. Work is important. It's how we spend many of our working hours. But without the other pieces to the puzzle, my life would be a lot less full. I'm excited about my freedom from work for a few days (or weeks? Who knows...) and look forward to filling my time with other activities. At least for now.

So this is adulthood.

I woke up early this morning, after a short night, thanks to a long evening of vacuuming and house tidying. I got up, walked the dog and took I shower. I've pulled on my Spanx (basically a modern-day girdle popularized by Oprah), zipped up my black pencil skirt and pulled on its matching blazer. I'm wearing heels and carrying a grown-up handbag. I'm going on a job interview today, and maybe to a job fair. I am handing over a few critical details of my current (almost former - as of this coming Friday) job to another person, stepping back and getting ready to let go. I guess this is what it's like to be a grown-up. Earlier today I was wondering when the good stuff starts, and then I got to thinking.

I'm cleaning the house that I rent - where I live with my husband. That's pretty cool. I have a dog. I am responsible enough to care for another breathing creature. I exercised, and then enhanced my work with Spandex. I'm wearing a black suit, but with a navy blue top, a little trendy and a little scary for a person who has always objected to those two colors used in any combo. Soon I'll be hopping in my little car - the one I picked out, bargained for and learned to drive to grab a Starbuck's before I go to work at a gig that hasn't worked out, but has been a real learning experience. Sometimes being an adult sucks, and sometimes it doesn't seem so bad. Weird, but not so bad. But I'll still be hanging around waiting for the really good stuff to start...

Happy? Sad? Can't tell.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty wild. Since I submitted my letter of resignation from my job two Wednesdays ago some things have moved quickly while others have drug along. I am sad to be leaving the current job - but it's just not working. And it has been an interesting experience to see how sometimes things just don't work out. It's not some sort of huge judgement about me or about them, it's just that it didn't work. And I'm convinced that I didn't fail them. All of this has been a little nutty. I have not identified a new gig yet (however do have a prospect that I am very excited about, but hate to putall the eggs in one basket)! That no job thing is pretty scary, but I also don't want to push myself into the wrong thing. Adulthood is hard. Sometimes I wouldn't mind cashing it all in and returning to kindegarten. But I guess that's not how it works. I am happy that I have made the decision that I know is right for me, but I am sad because my grand master plan didn't pan and now I have to find another option.

What's really hard for me --- and I mean a lot more difficult than I would have liked --- is that all of this is happening this fall. Autumn is by far my favorite time of year, though not so much here in Florida because it won't feel like autumn until much later. Yesterday I wore a pair of corduroy pants and today wool gauchos (with a rust colored vest --- also a little like autumn) wishing that it would feel like fall here. In Iowa today it's going to be in the 50s, autumn indeed, while here in the deep South it'll still be near 90. Don't know why I find this so depressing but somehow I do. There's always a bright side, though, and here that's the fact that there will be no snow when my Iowa parents and pals are truding through the white stuff.

Well, I better get back to it --- or maybe go get some coffee to try and help me through.

The harder they try, the less I buy.

Last week I was disgusted to see Christmas displays in several of my favorite stores. It is literally the week after Labor Day and already the spirit of holiday greed has been put before the consumer. Last year I bought less stuff than ever before. I can practically list each gift I bought. I sold a bunch of stuff on eBay to finance what little I did - just a gift per person, with the exception of my husband. We did buy lots of gifts for friends, but as I've mentioned before, I view many of my Tallahassee pals as extended family. It's a special relationship to be sure. Everytime I walk past a plastic tablecloth printed with snowmen and Santas or see a displayed Christmas tree ornament between now and November, I'm sure to become more and more irritated. Already I'm feeling Charlie-Brown-Christmas-y. When the time is right, I'll remember what it's all about. For now I'm just going to try and enjoy my autumn.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

When I walked into the Bada Bean to get my coffee this morning, I was reminded of a few people I admire, and the list has been growing over the past ten minutes or so:

• Ann Richardson. I can remember seeing her on Larry King Live during my formative years, and I think she may have been responsible for at least some of my interest in politics and particularily women in politics.
• The guy who owns the Bada Bean, a locally owned coffee shop.
• The girl who fixes my small coffee with steamed milk and a shot of sugar free almond syrup every morning. This morning I heard her talking about knitting at a fiber arts place called Wooly Bully, too cool.
• The lady she was telling about Stitch n Bitch, who owns one of my fave little vintage places in town. She gave me great advice on the day I almost let my 40s daybed (now my couch) get away.
• My mom, who has the perfect card to send for every occasion.
• My freshman-in-college roommate (and fellow SFSJB pal) LK, who can always make me laugh and consistently gives great (and funny) advice.
• Julia, a Kennedy Center employee, who has been helping me pull together the trip for the Boys (they depart today).
• Bloggers.
• Too many others to list. Must get to working.
  

Awww, you're so sweet.

Click here, follow the directions, and feel good about yourself. You know you want to.

Coffee, I need you.

A haiku, inspired by Keli, to celebrate my return to the black stuff. Only one stylistic note: I have added a syllable to give it some Southern flair.

Coffee ambrosia
Energy for the long day
Blissful beverage y'all

I am relying on my cafe au lait today to get me through what I suspect may be a bit of a difficult day. Yesterday was one of the longest days of my professional career. I faced some tough challenges and made some difficult decisions. I think my decision to leave my current position was just as brave as it was to accept the gig in the first place. I am embracing a regret-free lifestyle these days, and this is no exception. I took this job, did my best work, and have just found that it's not the job for me. So now it will be time to find something else. It's a difficult choice in this small arts job market, but I am learning day by day that personal stress, strife and pain just isn't worth it. Life is meant to be lived well and enjoyed. So on I will go. Let me know if you have advice and/or suggestions.